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| Xanga is massively different from the way I remember it. I'm a little sad that it appears more complicated than back in the day, when it was simply a journal, a blog. Nonetheless, I'm thinking I want to come back to this place that had been my home. In honor of the occasion, I'm listening to emo music to get back into the high school state of mind.
Nevermind, back to good music, it's much too sad to do the emo thing.
I was inspired to come back to this "online community" when on my way back from class today I passed a tree. It was creaking. I was instantly reminded of the tree back home, of which I've writen about before, that also creaks. I started to think about xanga, and in particular, about that entry. It's been my favorite entry for a long time, mostly because of it's simplicity. I just commented on the tree, and how it had always perplexed me. I thought about how xanga was really the only place I could write or talk about said tree, because xanga was my own thing. Because xanga was a window into my mind.
Then I began to think of xanga as a mirror. It's a place for self-reflection, something that I have been having trouble doing in recent years. I find myself, much like the Joker (or a dog) just doing (it's much easier to make italics on xanga these days) things, not thinking about my actions at the time or after. I've been so busy lately that I haven't really had the chance to really look at myself, my life, just what is is that I'm busy doing, and whether those things I'm busy doing are worth my time.
Last week was a tough one. I was doing for so long (classwork, seeing friends, being a CA, being a girlfriend, being a Passion Parties consultant) that I brokedown. I started to think about all the time I didn't have, all the money I didn't have, and all the plans that I never really planned. What is my major? Where will that take me? Do I want to go there? Is it worth all this effort if there may be something else I want to do? If I want to do something else, why don't I do it?
I realized that I'm one big pussy. Feminists, please take no offense.
I went to college to please my family and friends. Not intentionally, of course, I would never do something this expensive to please others. I thought that it was my only option. For some of my family and friends, even that wasn't enough. They wanted me to choose a major that would be prestigious. Something that would challenge me intellectually. Something that, most importantly, would make me a lot of money.
So I went to college, and had three (that's right, three) different majors throughout my career here. Why did I have three different majors? Because I'm wishiwashi? Because I'm easily swayed? Because the first two were too hard and I had to give up? I don't know if I can honestly say that any of those are completely wrong, but I do know that all three of those majors, including the one I'm in now were and are not right for me. I was never meant to be a math teacher, I don't want to be in highschool for the rest of my life. I was never meant to go into business because I don't want to focus solely on money for the rest of my life. I am not meant to do whatever it is one can do with Health and Exercise Science, which is basically nothing.
I have always tossed around a certain few ideas in my head of what I would want to do with my life. Be a hair stylist, do make-up, be a chef, do landscaping, be a piercer -- basically any feild that means I'm beautifying something (food is beautiful, ok?). Math, business, health? Is there any beauty there? Health is beautiful, to be sure. But here, the focus is exercise, and I'm much more interested in nutrition.
All of these things, all the things I want to do, are not available at my college. More importantly, they are not presitgious. They won't make me a lot of money. They won't make me a person of influence. Therefore, they are the jobs that would make me a disapointment to my family and friends. "Look at Nicole, she dropped out of school to be X. Poor thing, I guess she couldn't handle it. What a shame."
But I don't see it that way.
Why should I waste my time at this school, paying and working for something I don't even want?
The crazy thing is, I understand why I should just stick it out. I have one more year left (one more year to add to the bills) and I'm so close to having a (useless) degree, that I should just get it. I've sunk this much money in already, so I might as well finish what I (unfortunately) started.
In the meantime? Keeping doing, I guess. If I think about it too much then I might just drop out of school and go to beauty school. Though, how bad of an idea that is, I'm not sure. It makes sense to stop the bills piling up, and if I'm not going to use my degree, then why pay for it? But what would my parents say?
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| i feel like no one's going to read this.
apparantly i am not the only one who has taken a break from xanga. my space and live journal have taken the lives of my friends and eaten them up. may i ask why?
we were all perfectly happy in xangaland.. and everyone suddenly up and left.
come home everyone! i miss you!
if you read this entry, leave a comment and restore my confidence in our bond with xanga. i'll write more if you are all still here.
i love you xanga, my dear and dying friend. | | |
| i have a bad habit of only writing entries when i have a major report to do. well, one must keep with tradition.
i can't do this school thing any more, at least no more of this semester. i'm just not motivated. it's like no matter what mind boggling questions my teachers throw at me i can't seem to get my mind boggled.
for instance: today in chemistry, geddes handed back out tests and wanted us to look at the questions we got wrong and see what we did wrong. for each one, i read about 3.5 words into the question and gave up. i just couldn't bring myself to read the rest, and certainly not think about it.
then on to english, where bloom was talking about gatsby and our research project. sure, i had questions about citing, but could i bring myself to pay attention to her answers? nope. and when she started talking about gatsby, did i pay attention, or did i suddenly have a strange fasination with my water bottle and the ridges on the cap?
now, ordinarily, i would be somewhat upset with my self for paying no attention in school all day. however, i cannot bring myself to care. yes, i know, it's my junior year, it's the year that counts and i'm not a senior so i shouldn't even know the word senoritis, but i can't help it! i just don't care any more!
it's getting so bad that after first block i was walking through the hall and up the stairs and thinking to myself "i'm bored of this, maybe i'll go home." it wasn't till i got to the top of the stairs that i realized that school is an obligation and i have to be there, and i can't just leave.
nowt i'm supposed to be doing my homework. ordinarily i would call my behavior procrastinationg, but this time it is truly different. when i procrastinate i feel bad about, knowing that i really should get off my butt and get to work. but this time, i really have no feelings of guilt. i just don't care. i'm not motivated enough to do this.
maybe i just need a mexican vacation. | | |
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Everyday I walk home from school, and after I turn away from Jina and start down south hill, I always pass the same tree. It creaks. I don't know why it creaks, but it does.
I noticed the creaking in 6th grade when I first began walking home from school. The first time I heard the creaking, I started to walk faster because I thought that it meant the branch was going to come crashing down on top of me.
It never did. Here it is 5 or 6 years later, and the tree still creaks and the branch never came off.
Every time I pass it though, I still walk faster. It never ceases to amaze me that the tree just randomly creaks. I once thought it was an animal that like in the tree, or that it was just the power lines buzzing. One Halloween I toyed with the idea that it might be that the tree is haunted. But it seems to just creak all on its own.
Why does it creak? | | |
| "Do you get butterflies?"
"Nah, I haven’t felt that way about a girl since high school (13 going on 30)."
That quote depressed me then and it depresses me even more now.
Today in sociology we watched this 20/20 type study of teens and how we're different from adults, physically and mentally. It showed how average teens process oxygen better/faster and pump more blood than and average adults; how teens think with instinct instead of with logic like adults. How teens have more passion and are more creative than adults. They talked about the peaks of passion, creativity and physical abilities, and on average, for girls, the peak is between the ages of 13 and 15. I’m past it.
So this all got me thinking, if our teenage years are the healthiest, most passionate, most creative times of out lives, then what comes next? The monotony of adulthood?
If this is the time when I’m living by instinct, when I have more passion, when I have more fire for life, when I’m not completely jaded, how can you ask me to allow myself to be held back by restrictions from my parents/teachers/society. If its is that time that I am truly living, then this should be the time that I am making life altering decisions. Thinking about what to do with my life and how I want to live it. Goddamnit, if I wait till I’m "of age" I’ll lose all my fire.
It’s like, I wait for so long for the independence to do whatever I can/want, and by the time I get there I’ve already lost all my lust for living, for doing what I dreamed of.
If this is the time when I’m feeling the most passionate, when new experiences are fueling me for life, then what will all the experiences I have in the future be like? Will I care less? Will I not get the same surges of emotion? Will I be less motivated? Will I stop feeling the butterflies?
I don’t want to grow up.
I want to feel.
I never want to lose my passion.
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